Next in the mad 2009 line up: eyelid transfers (From Preston and Leyland Citizen)

Next in the mad 2009 line up: eyelid transfers

3:33pm Monday 5th January 2009

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I WAS disappointed to miss one of my favourite films over the festive break.

Since I was a child I’ve loved the crazy capers of It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.

But no matter – real life is more than making up for it.

For me, the start of 2009 was more like April Fool’s week, and had me screeching, "I don’t believe it!" in true Victor Meldrew style.

Top of the list of New Year madness came courtesy of one of the big electrical suppliers.

Not long after they replaced our broken freezer with a brand new model, I noticed it wasn’t working.

Out came all the food, and I was back on the phone to customer services.

“If it’s got a high energy rating (it had an ‘A’) it might cut out below certain temperatures,” a helpful chap told me, adding that many do this at 10oC.

Then came the mad, mad, mad, mad moment: “Do you have a spare duvet you can wrap round it on cold days?” he asked.

Admittedly, the appliance is in the garage, but then so was our old one, and it was fine.

If this is what energy efficiency means, give me a coal-fired, CO2-belching, rainforest-destroying, ice-cap-melting model and I’ll go away happy.

Next in the ‘mad, or what?’ line up for 2009 comes eyelid transfers. We’re not talking party make-up, but actual adverts featuring company names which models are sporting on their eyelids in return for cash. No, really, it’s true.

I’m thinking of offering to sport one for the electrical supplier in return for a freezer that doesn’t suffer from frostbite.

Still on body matters, I was intrigued to receive details of a new non-surgical buttock lift.

A simple injection can, apparently, turn sagging rears into smooth, pert behinds.

It only takes 30 minutes – how brilliant is that?

To my mind it’s better use of a lunch break than slobbing around on the sofas in an expensive coffee shop. Or maybe not – there’s a £2,800 price tag.

I could get half-a-dozen top-of-the-range freezers for that, with king-size duvets included.

Lastly, if you want to experience the hydrating effects of water what would you drink? Yes, of course – water.

But for some, plain water isn’t enough. Last week I was offered a sample of ‘Bio-Synergy Skinny Water’.

It contains certain nutrients that banish sugar cravings and help turn fat into energy.

‘Just when you thought water could not be bettered for helping you look and feel great,’ gushes the advertising blurb.

Cameron Diaz swears by it.

I may get some myself and store it in the airing cupboard – which freezes if the room temperature falls below 20C.

Like I said, it really is a mad, mad, mad, mad world.

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